more about values

 why, oh why, do I always go on about topics like values?

- because I get so much positive private feedback about them

- that's why

Poppa Joe and his first great grandchild, and my first grandchild

Values interest me. They really do. My own, and those of others. 

When I was a young mum, having problems with someone's judgements and behaviour, especially towards me, I spoke with my step father Joe, about it. I was doing the "why are they doing this to me/behaving like this/saying these things?"  Joe said "but they are just always being true to their self". 

Honestly, this was totally the wrong answer for me. I kept whining and arguing about it to him. Which is hard to do when someone is smiling lovingly at you. He repeated it several times. I finally got it. The offender (they were definitely that in my eyes) was consistent with what they believed in. Right or wrong. They were staying true to theirself.

This incident and many other similar ones where I wasted my life asking "why?" reminds me how it often is a waste of time trying to figure things out that are not going to change.

And I might not have liked that person's values, but they lived by them. Stuck by them. And this incident from so long ago, led me to repeatedly, quietly, look at my own beliefs and values. What I stood for. 

I always believed in standing for something, meaning having a creed by which one lived.  Sometimes I was so off the mark that I can't bear to remember those times when I was that way. 

I respected Joe, and I never forgot this little incident. It was a Life Lesson for me. He was my children's Poppa Joe, a lovely grandfather. Joe was Scottish, lived in the very poor area of Glasgow, and little more than a boy when he joined the army in World War Two. He was more accepting of people and life than many other people. As often is the case of those who have been through horrific times. 

I like to learn from others. Some of my own values are:

  • you can do anything if you put your mind to it: from my Grandfather, Laurie Inch
  • never let anyone stop you from what you are doing: Papa Novi, my Te Reo Maori teacher
  • kindness does matter: learnt by being around my Mum and Nanna Inch
  • everything happens in it's own time: my friend Debbie Wymer who is more patient than I
  • children are precious and to be loved: from moi-self
  • don't do things that make oneself feel "bad", for doing those things is like a shadow going over the heart: moi again
Of course, there are more. I am also really interested in what other people's values are.

** link to my yoga blog, here. I am writing about the camel pose at present
** link here for a post on values which is actually not so deep and meanningful
** link here to the post which struck a chord in many


  1. Thank you for sharing this insight from your step father. Values really do guide our lives. Have a wonderful weekend!

  2. Another very interesting post! Values are what guides us through life, aren't they? I guess a lot of us learn them from our parents and then, we try to pass them along to our children, too.

    1. I do remember being young and determined to Be Me and not like my parents. But we are. I definitely have some of Mum's strong values.

  3. Poppa Joe sounds like a very wise man. My dad taught me so much about good values. He had more integrity than anyone I have ever known. I think it takes time to discover who you really are. When I was in my teens and early twenties I followed a lot of different people's tastes and values before I finally settled down and became happy in my own skin. I think when I hit 30 was when I no longer cared what other people thought of me and decided "what you see is what you get" lol! It was then that I started to relax a lot more about life in general.

    Thank you for your visit to my blog and for your kind words about the little needle book! I still have to make the cord for it, and a little card to go inside... and now I've started making crochet cat squares for my hubby's throw - desperate to get it done in time for Christmas but I think that's probably a vain hope! Your granola sounds delicious. I use hemp seeds quite a lot and always put some in salads. I've just made my first pumpernickel bread and we had some for tea with some almond butter. Deeeelicious!!!

    Have a great week.
    Shoshi x

    1. It's fantastic that you put your values in place , so young. I just think it makes life easier and happier.

  4. Over the years, I have realized people have become so much more intolerant of anybody else with a different view or value. We all teach our kids not to be judgmental yet we are critical of people based on so many physical factors.
    I have believed in one single thing when dealing with people - BE KIND. A little smile here, a thank you there ... you leave a large impact on others.
    Being a Hijabi (veiled) Muslim woman, I get alot of "looks" where ever I go - but I have learnt to take it in my stride.
    Once I remember waiting at the Dentists' office for my husband to come out of surgery- and from the time I entered the waiting area, a lady kept making faces at me - while I busied myself on the phone. Finally she got up and said, I can't stay here any longer - I need some fresh air - to the receptionist, while looking at me. The receptionist looked at me apologetically and although I was embarrassed and hurt - I waited till I got home to break down. I had smiled and said hello, to her when I had walked in at the waiting area. But nothing was spoken after that - why would my mere presence cause her so much anxiety ?
    People don't realize how much of an impact a kind word can have and equally - how terrible - rude behavior can be.
    I agree we all should have strong values and principles - yet it is unfortunate that few people actually adhere to those values.
    Thank you for sharing your post with us at Meraki Link Party.

    1. That is horrible, Naush. What a dreadful woman she was. =And yet, you have the greatest value of all: be kind. I admire you. xxxx

  5. I am so much like, Ratnamurti, in that I also find values very interesting to look at and unravel. There are such great life lessons to be learned by investigating these things. I have finally come to realize that people who live true to their values should be admired and respected even when their values do match our own. I actually had an eye opening experience about 10 years ago with a friend. The event ended the friendship but taught me a different kind of acceptance and respect. She is a devout vegan and I am not. I am in awe of people who can commit to that kind of dietary restraint for whatever reasons they have for doing so. Her reasons were more about animal activism, which I completely respect. But if you did not fight her fight with her, she was highly critical to the point that a friendship with another person who had different values simply could not work. And although our friendship ended, I have learned that passion and dedication of others is a highly respectable quality. I will always admire her determination and commitment even from afar. Thanks for always sharing food for thought!


    1. That's a really nice way to look at people who are "agree with me or else", Shelbee. I backtracked out of a long term friendship because I was over having to do that, 24/7. I still love and care for my friend, but - spaces in our togetherness.

  6. I think values are intrinsic to us no matter what, we can learn and grow them like anything else. So therefore it has always seemed reasonable to me to try and remember (not always successful) to cultivate the ones that matter to me - openness to others, honesty, humilty, compassion, etc as the lack of them in others can seem an affront. When I was first married and had just moved to the UK I had a really hard time with my husbands parents and his sister in particular - they enjoyed talking down to the colonial and being mean and making snide comments and it used to really hurt as I never felt supported by my husband. One day I was thinking about this and I realised the behaviour really got to me and it stayed rankling long after I wasnt in their presence - it was an important lesson in not carry other peoples issues for them and certainly not letting it take root and become part of me. I think our values are important to consider every now and then - they need nurturing and thinking about, how else will we challenge ourselves to learn from others if we cant see ourselves?

  7. Gosh, I so agree with you, Juliet. Nurturing and cultivating. Wise words indeed. That was rather mean of your new family to treat you like that., btw. But it sounds as though your colonised ethics did stand you in good stead.


Post a Comment